Struggling

I am struggling. The girls are officially out of school for the summer, and honestly, I am a little nervous about it. I've never been at home with them full time without them being in school. I've always worked and had them in daycare. Like I've said before, I want more than anything to be a good mother. But I'm convinced that part of being a "good mother" is taking care of myself and my marraige. And I don't really know how to do this with only 24 hours in the day.

Lately I've been struggling again with having patience and understanding with my children. I feel like Paul when he said in Romans, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." I can feel my stress building and building throughout the day until I just want to scream. And I don't even know why. I don't know what it is that sets me over the edge. Anytime I ask my girls to do something and they don't do it right away, I get frustrated. And then I say to myself, "they are only 2 and 5 Amy. You can't expect them to be perfect." But then I still get frustrated again the next time. And I end up making bad decisions because I'm not thinking clearly because of my frustration and irritability. There are times in the day when I would do anything to just be alone!!! I hate the way I feel. I hate feeling this way. I want to be a good mother, but yet I can't do it.

And then I go to church today and I am reminded that the Lord calls us to pour ourselves out for others. Pour myself out for my children. Not because they deserve it. Not because they are sweet and lovely and well-behaved. But because that is what Christ did for me and that is what he has called me to at this point in my life. Pour myself out for them. Give and give and give some more. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. But I also have to fill myself up emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That's where the issue of balance comes in. I have to have some time for myself to fill myself up so that I have something to pour out to them. I am currently reading 2 books that I hope will help me with some of these issues: Confessions of a Slacker Mom by Muffy Mead-Ferro, recommended to me by my friend Katie, and The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson, recommended to me by my friend Aimee. I hope to post an update of some insight I have gained from these books.

Again, I just ask for encouragement, guidance, and HELP from the Lord. I am totally inadequate for this job He has given me as Mother. I just pray that when Princess and Pumpkin grow up, they remember the times that we played together and the love that I have showed them instead of all my frustration and irritability.

The pictures are of Princess and her teacher, Ms. Dondi, and Pumpkin with her teachers, Ms. Rosa and Ms. Fatin. I also am posting a picture of Princess in her ballet/tap recital costume because she is so beautiful, I just have to share. :)

Mother's Day Tea Party

One morning about a month ago, Princess and I were looking through the Family Fun magazine and came across an idea of a Mother's Day Tea Party. There were ideas for decorations, crafts, games, and food. It looked like a lot of fun and Princess was really excited about the idea, so we decided to host a tea party for the mothers in our family. We invited Princess's cousin Lauren and her mother, Drummer Boy's mother, and my mother. We made tea party hats and tea party fans, we drank tea and pink lemonade from my Ma's fine china tea set, we played silly games like "Two truths and a tease" and "I spy", and we ate little tea cakes and little tea sandwiches shaped like flowers and butterflies. All in all, the tea party was a success. The whole point was that the girls have fun and the mothers have some quality time with their daughters, and I think that is exactly what we did!

Only the Strong Survive

Okay, I hate that this is my first post after coming home from Hawaii because I know how it must look. But the issues that I'm talking about began before we went on vacation. It was actually the perfect time for us to "get away".

I recently weaned off the anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication that I had been on for a year to treat severe postpartum depression/anxiety that I had when Pumpkin was a baby. (Well, I don't know if the psychologists would call it severe, but it was certainly severe in my book.) Anyway, after weaning off the medication, I noticed that I seemed to be very irritable, especially when dealing with my girls. I just didn't have much patience with them, and I would blow up at the littlest things. I just felt unable to control my emotions at times. After talking with friends, my mother, and my psychiatrist, I have realized that this is not a side effect of the medicine getting out of my system...this is motherhood. This is how it feels to be a mother of two small adorable, imperfect children without a double dose of my "happy hormone". It's hard. Welcome back to reality, Amy! I recently picked up a Mothers' Day card that has a picture of a mother in bed with the covers over her head while her three adorable children run around her making a disaster of her house, and the caption reads, "Motherhood...only the strong survive". I thought, "my sentiments exactly!" Motherhood is certainly the hardest job I have ever had, and it was still hard with my double dose of happy hormone. It's that much harder now.

The great thing is that I am once again driven to the cross every day. I have started asking for patience and understanding and gentleness toward my children at the beginning of each day before I even get out of bed. Once again I am realizing what God meant when he said he would not give us more than we can handle with his help. But he does give us more than we can handle alone, so that we would be driven to Him. Honestly, I like being driven to Him. I am so thankful for his grace and mercy, and so glad that I am not in this alone. More than anything in the world, I want to be a good mother, and I know that I can't do it alone. But I also know that God wants the same thing for me, and He will give me what I need whether it's patience, understanding, a piece of chocolate, or an hour of time to myself, so that I will be successful. Thank you Jesus!