My best friend, Aimee, started a conversation on her blog about being an imperfect mom, and being okay with that. She asked her readers to submit their own thoughts on the subject and she has posted them as well. This is a subject that I also feel very strongly about because of my own experience with depression and anxiety that ultimately was a result of trying to "do it all" and not having enough grace for myself as a mother and wife. I have learned my lessons on this matter, and I hope that by being honest with myself and my friends, we can all avoid falling into the pit of thinking we are "failing" as mothers, and give ourselves a much deserved break!
Here is my guest post on Aimee's blog:
As I was standing in church today, singing with the congregation, worshipping the Lord, I was overcome with emotion because of the words I was singing.
“Let your mercy fall on me”,
“Our God is mighty to save”,
“Oh, how deeply he loves us”.
All of these phrases bring me back to the depth of my sin and the “deeper still” reaches of His grace. And no other place in my life is it more evident than in my mothering.
The days when I do have the appearance of having it “together” are only because of His grace. And the other, much more frequent days, when it is obvious that I am struggling, I can still give thanks to God for His forgiveness and new mercies every morning. I was struck in church this morning by a powerful lesson.
I remember the days when my oldest was a newborn baby and I would lay her on the changing table. As I looked over her and bent down to kiss her face, I was often overwhelmed with the strength of my love for her, to the point that tears would stream down my face and wash over her. I know that this is something that many new mothers experience, and I had heard others talk about it, but nothing could prepare me for such a powerful emotion, the love that a mother has for her child. At that time, everything I was experiencing in regards to motherhood was good and pure. I couldn’t have imagined how much my sin would mess things up! Looking back, it is a testimony to my need of a Savior.
Not that long ago, I had a very powerful dream in which I met Jesus in the grocery store. He looked like any regular person. He actually looked like a guy that I went to high school with. But, when I saw him and He looked into my eyes, I knew that it was Jesus because I could feel that He was looking into my soul and seeing everything about me and my life. It was like He was staring into my mind as I was shuffling through the files of all of my sins. We stood there looking at each other, Him reading my files and me being overcome with shame. But each time I would think of something I had done that I was ashamed of (usually something related to yelling at my kids, punishing them out of my own anger/selfishness, etc.), Jesus would say,
“I died for that, Amy.”
I would think of something else (not say it, just think it) and He would say,
“I died for that, too.”
I can’t get this dream out of my head. Jesus died for all of those things. No matter how big or small!!
I know in my life, the biggest testimony of God’s hand is in the help that He gives me (and that I desperately need) in raising my children. And if I try to put on a mask that says, “I’m doing alright. I’ve got this mom thing down”, then I am losing out on an opportunity to share that testimony of Christ with others.
I recently moved to a different state and was faced with the challenge of forming a new group of friends. As I was thinking and praying about finding new friends, my biggest desire was that I would find women who are “real”, women who are not ashamed to share their struggles and who freely admit where they fall short. This is so important to me because I know that I need help! I need accountability. I need to be able to talk with other women about the joys and the pitfalls of being a mother. I need to know that they will not judge me, and I want them to feel the same from me. I want to offer help when I am going through a more peaceful period, and I want them to offer me help when I’m struggling. The only way for that kind of a relationship to be formed is with complete honesty.
I will never forget the last time in my life when I tried to do it all on my own, be everything to everybody and keep a smile on my face through it all. That smile ended up in the gutter! And it was several weeks, several therapy sessions, many doses of medication, and many many acts of service and kindness from my “real women” friends before I felt joy again. I hope that I never forget what that felt like. I hope I never put myself there again. I’ve learned my lesson, and I will happily admit my limitations, ask for help when I need it, and ask for forgiveness when I fail, because I know that He died for that.
If you would like to follow the conversation, visit my friend's blog by clicking on the link for "Abundant Life in the Making" to the left.
About 1 week ago, my dear friend Kerri asked me if she and her 3 boys (ages 5, 6, and 8) could come visit us for a few days over their Spring Break. Of course my response was, "yeah, we'd love to have you! It'll be fun!" but inside I was thinking "oh my! it's going to get a little crazy around here." And I was right on both accounts. It was a lot of fun and a little crazy. I am SO GLAD they came to visit. It was really great to see Kerri. She is such an easy friend, one of the most laid-back people I know. And her boys were great, a lot of energy, very physical, but great.
I have always heard about how boys have so much energy and I have wondered how Princess's high-energy would compare. After a few days with "the boys", she definitely kept up with their energy level, but she wasn't nearly as physical as they were. Boys and girls are just different. The defining moment was at the zoo, in the middle of the lions, tigers, and bears exhibit when the boys were running from animal to animal and Princess said to one of them, "do you like my outfit?" Kerri and I both had a good laugh at that one!
